Some Reasons To Believe In Dads (again)
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GoogleI know there are many moms reading this who have had a bad experience with dads and with men in general. Frankly, it troubles me as well to hear about some of the dads out there and I can completely understand the anger. It can be well deserved.
However, I continue to write in this forum because I truly do believe that only when men and women, moms and dads alike, can work together, is there a real chance to fix so many of the problems plaguing our culture.
With all this said, please allow me the opportunity to share a brief teaser trailer that I've recently cut for my fatherhood documentary project.
You can find the trailer here
The reason I bring this trailer to your attention is not just that we've arrived yet again at Father's Day, but that I hope it will also serve as an affirmation that there are some really good dads out there who care deeply about their families.
Thank you for allowing me this. I hope you enjoy the teaser trailer and would love to hear what you think.
Lastly, let me also share that after making "The Evolution of Dad" the next project will be "The Evolution of Mom." In my mind one could not be made without the other.
Dana H. Glazer is the director of The Evolution of Dad Documentary Project as well as a father of two young sons. For more information, please visit www.evolutionofdad.com. To view a new trailer of the project please check out http://www.evolutionofdad.com/trailer.html
Thanks
Like your article very much. Enjoy it to read such a informative view. Thanks for sharing with us.Greatly done.
This is nice, but...
Unfortunately, even those of us who DID get our college degree, DID have a career first, DID really get to know our prospective husband before marrying and having kids with him, sometimes end up with all the difficulty and little of the benefit of having been married.
My ex-husband didn't start cheating on me until I was pregnant with our first child, and I didn't know about it until after she was born, I had left my career, and we had decided TOGETHER that our values were to have our babies raised by a mother who was home to breastfeed and care for them. I dealt with the fact that he had become a cheater, because by then I was trapped into the situation by my continuing convictions of what my daughter needed from her Mommy. That didn't change just because my husband turned out not to be trustworthy--if anything, my need to really be there for her increased.
So, we stayed together, built a business that allowed us to have our children (a second came later) with us as we earned our living--and frankly, also allowed me to monitor his comings and goings and to have control of our money, though it was far less than if I'd gone back to my former career and left my children behind with him.
When we finally divorced--the cheating only stopped temporarily and I caught him again with someone who I thought had been MY friend--he did everything possible to avoid paying any child support at all. That didn't fly, but he stole our family business from me, depicted his income as much smaller than it actually was, and ended up paying only a few hundred dollars a month child support--leaving me without my source of income AND all the costs of raising our growing children, as well as the full responsibility of every other aspect of parenting.
Now, he doesn't even talk to them, visit them, have them to his house, and he has stopped paying child support--trying to claim again that he has no income, while I was forced into a full-time regular job, away from them, in order to support them.
The child support laws fully allow a father to simply decide not to have a job (at least "over the table") while forcing the mother to fully provide for them--because she has a higher ethic of caring for her children and won't abandon them the way he will. THEN, when she DOES step up and do whatever is necessary, child support gets taken away because "she earns more money than he does" after he CHOOSES to have no visible income!
What if the mother did the exact same thing? She would have her children taken away as being "neglectful" and would be completely shamed by society, her family, her friends. The dad? He's just "living his life". No consequence to him.
Sorry if I seem bitter. On top of everything, I do my very best to keep my daughters in touch with their Dad--and he treats me like I never even existed, much less with any respect for all I have taken off his shoulders over the years by default.
Some of have have great husbands!
Just wanted to be the anecdote to some of the unhappy stories. I truly feel for the women whose husbands didn't allow them to live up their potential, and who weren't willing to be part of their children's lives. I feel for the children too. I am one of the lucky ones: my husband participates daily in the care of our child, and also encourages me to pursue and nurture outside interests (I had a college degree and a full-time job before we married or had a child). I've been home with our daughter for 3 1/2 years, not because he expected me to or even especially wanted me to, but because we agreed together that it would be best (I always wanted to stay home). Now I'm getting ready to re-enter the workforce, and he's allowing me to do that on my own terms. A lot of our friends are like this too. They ARE out there, ladies!
ALLOW?
Re: "whose husband didn't ALLOW them...", " and he's ALLOWING me to....". Please tell me that was an unfortunate choice of words. How about, 'encourage/encouraging' instead, yes?
Just wanted to add: as women
Just wanted to add: as women we make choices. We choose our husbands, we choose whether to stay with them, we choose whether to defy them and do something for ourselves or not. It's easy to blame him when our lives are not going as we'd like, but we can do things to change our own situations as well. We sell ourselves short AND place an undue burden on them when we blame them for all the ills in our families, including our own unhappiness. We have more power than we allow ourselves to believe sometimes. Just some food for thought.
My husband is great but far from perfect, and sometimes I've had to push him to do better, but it's always been done with love and with respect for what HE wants as well, and I believe that's made a difference. For instance, he was unhappy with his job when I first started staying home, and he wanted to relocate to Southern California from Northern AND change careers. It was a hard move, and we're still struggling in some ways, but I have a happy husband who now WANTS to better his position, instead of me PUSHING him to do so, which can quickly turn into nagging followed by resentment. Big difference. He's happy, I'm happy. Let's just not underestimate our roles.
To 'Just wanted to add'
I agree with you somewhat. I mean no disrespect, but who are you trying to convince, others or yourself? I think you missed my point. I'm not blaming my husband for 'all the ills' in the family. I'm the one who made a bad choice to marry him. I should have done more research. What I'm finding tough to forgive is the 'bait-and-switch' tactic that he used to get what he wanted. That was unethical and immoral. He also isolated me from my family and friends, A.K.A., my support system, by moving to another state. That's what abusers do, (abuse isn't just physical/verbal, it's also mental/psychological/emotional/neglect--by being physically absent--which was my situation), isolate you. That way they have more control. The children and I experienced the stress of him not sending home paychecks, (remember three children under five), which lead to no groceries, no gas/repairs for the old car I drove, (he bought himself a brand new one), no doctors/dentists, no paying rent/utilities, etc.--leading to constant harassing phone calls, eviction notices, ruined credit, et. al., which snowballed for years. At that time--you're wrong--I couldn't choose to leave. I kept moving forward, for my children. But I survived all those toxic years that brought much illness to my body. And now, the children are grown, I'm getting my health back and NOW--you're correct. I DO have incredible power to do what I need to do, NOW. I'm older and wiser and I can coach all my granddaughters to do what I feel is truly important: Get that college degree, pursue your career for a few years and KNOW where YOU are going in life BEFORE you invite someone to share it with you. Young men should do the same. No one should marry before age thirty. Our frontal cortex of the brain--where rational good sound decisions are made--doesn't fully develop until we're thirty!
In conclusion, I don't hate my husband. I don't love him either. I 'care' about him just as I do every other human being on the planet. We've only had 31 years together, but we'll always share this house, our children, time. It just makes me sad that he thought putting himself, his job, money, and his parents first--in that order, and putting his children and his wife last--in that order, and treating us like second class citizens instead of equals, was the correct road to take. When I tell him of the stress I was under and the toll that it took on me--how difficult it was for me, he says he did nothing wrong and dismisses it. We don't talk much because he just doesn't get it. Which leads me to my original question, 'Just wanted to add'. If you and your husband laid out the pros and cons about moving for you both and they were equal; if the decision was agreed upon mutually; but most importantly, if your husband supported your need to have family/friends/moms--a network of support for you WHERE YOU MOVED TO, and job opportunities were available for you as well--outside the home, the move was then beneficial for all. But if you just moved to make your husband happy, your role becomes that of perpetuating an unhealthy tradition of being a subservient wife. Men need to stop thinking they're our "daddies". We don't need to be "taken care of". Equality is true democracy. Especially in a marriage. That is not a weakness. If men would only "get that", and not be so threatened by equality, they would display REAL strength. Your husband sounds like he "gets it", (I'm hoping). My husband did not. For that I am sorry. If he had, he would have had a happier wife and in turn, perhaps he would have been happier himself.
My husband lied to me
Wow Dana. You must live in a fantasy world. My husband promised me he would help me finish college after we married. We married and he took a transfer to a small town with no college, so I was never able to finish getting my degree. During the first four years of marriage, he talked a lot about how HIS dad was married to his law practice and was never home--how much he hated that--how wrong it was--and that he'd never do that--that he'd have a 9-5 job--that he wanted to help raise his own children. We had three children very close together and guess what....he took a sales rep job where he was on the road ALL the time and NEVER home, instead of the 9-5 position that was offered to him. He didn't have the guts to come home everyday or on weekends to help. I raised three children completely on my own for twenty years. I couldn't leave because without that college degree, I wouldn't get paid enough to support myself and the children. I was trapped. I learned years later from one of his relatives, this was his plan from the start. You know what's sad? Our grown children don't go to him for advice, they come to me--the person who was there for them everyday--good or bad. When he retires, I'll be working full time and volunteering on the weekends, because we all don't really want to have much to do with the 'husband/dad' who chose to abandon his family.
And what about those who just walk away?
I hate to say it, but my daughter's father isn't a father, he's a sperm donor who cuts a very small check each month. What am I supposed to think about a film like this? I don't honor the role that he plays (although I will never discredit him to her.) He just...doesn't play any role, as far as I'm concerned. I'm curious to see if they address that issue in this documentary. If we had a dad in the house, I'm sure I'd just love it.
Fathers and Mothers
Dear Dana,
I am a progressive parenting counselor, author or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, advice columnist and public speaker. The subject of fathers is with me daily, personally and through all the families I work with.
I work with parents, often mother and father together, to help them care for the children as a loving team. Many fathers are tender and inspiring to me. Even those who seem to be difficult for the mothers, are "mushy" deep inside and very loving if you learn to connect with them. They need guidance, like mothers do. And they need to know when mother's instincts and devotion must be honored.
Many fathers don't want to study parenting while mothers study a lot through books, CD, phone counseling and "on the job." I think that's fine too, as long as, in that case, these fathers follow the mother's lead and consult with her when in doubt. Many fathers prefer that once they communicate clearly. I therefore do a lot of work of empowering mothers to cherish the fathers without trying to change them, and at the same time, take the lead role in nurturing children. I think clarity in role sharing saves family life and children's emotional well being.
Sincerely,
Naomi Aldort Ph.D.
Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
www.AuthenticParent.com
Fathers and Mothers
Dear Dana,
I am a progressive parenting counselor, author or Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, advice columnist and public speaker. The subject of fathers is with me daily, personally and through all the families I work with.
I work with parents, often mother and father together, to help them care for the children as a loving team. Many fathers are tender and inspiring to me. Even those who seem to be difficult for the mothers, are "mushy" deep inside and very loving if you learn to connect with them. They need guidance, like mothers do. And they need to know when mother's instincts and devotion must be honored.
Many fathers don't want to study parenting while mothers study a lot through books, CD, phone counseling and "on the job." I think that's fine too, as long as, in that case, these fathers follow the mother's lead and consult with her when in doubt. Many fathers prefer that once they communicate clearly. I therefore do a lot of work of empowering mothers to cherish the fathers without trying to change them, and at the same time, take the lead role in nurturing children. I think clarity in role sharing saves family life and children's emotional well being.
Sincerely,
Naomi Aldort Ph.D.
Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves
www.AuthenticParent.com
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