Clash of the Timing -- How do you know when to start a family?
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GoogleI’m 28 years old, just married in February, and my husband and I would love to start a family… some day. But both of us are at points in our careers where a family just doesn’t make sense. He’s starting his own business, which is rapidly taking off, and I’m doing this exciting work in policy advocacy with MomsRising. We both think that this is the time when we can take a few risks with our careers. Anybody who works for a nonprofit, especially a new one, knows that the work is both rewarding and hard. And, starting a new business is no small task. Both take long hours, the ability to get up and go at a moment’s notice, and of course, something like financial security, but not the kind that makes you feel really good about bringing a new life into the world. Not yet, anyhow.
And yet. Our friends are starting to have babies. I was at a baby shower just yesterday that was teeming with adorable kids and excited moms exchanging newly gained mom wisdom, product tips, and the all-out joy of being a parent. A friend and I (neither one of us moms yet) started sharing with each other our own conflicted feelings about becoming parents.
We both had the same story -- feeling that the window of our taken-for-granted-fertility may be closing in the next few years and at the same time knowing that now isn’t quite the time for us yet. And why isn’t it the time? Because we can’t afford to take 6 months off of work to enjoy our new babies and give them a healthy start. Because if our children are born with health problems we don’t have confidence that our health insurance will be enough to cover those expenses. Because we’re not ready to risk the kind of discrimination that mothers face in the work force. Because my husband and I both love our jobs and see a path in our careers that, some day, will have an appropriate place for us to take time off, but that precious time is still a ways off -- not yet reachable until we get just a few more experiences listed on our resume, make a few more key connections, and establish ourselves in our fields.
It’s a tough question for every family -- and especially for every woman who wants to have a child. When is the right time to start a family? And how do you appropriately set yourself up so that having a child doesn’t turn into the beginning of the end for a young family? If having a child is one of the leading causes of a poverty spell in this country, how do I know that I won’t become one of the statistics?
I look with great envy at other countries in the world, most of them, in fact, that have family friendly policies that make this choice easier. In these countries, women are supported by a system that understands the joyful burden of raising healthy, smart kids and giving them the best start possible.
I don’t know when my husband and I will be ready to start a family. And with the current realities for American families, I think there may never be a “right time” -- just a moment when we say now or never. I presume that I will stay fertile for a while yet (if I am even fertile now), and I hope that in the coming years I will get to that sweet spot where I have enough experience in my field that 6 months (or weeks) away won’t make or break my career, or our bank account.
And that’s why, even though I’m not a mom yet, I work with MomsRising. With simple policy and cultural changes, I can help other people (and myself) deal with the tremendous pressures on families right now.
Have you struggled with the same questions I am? How did you deal with it? When is the right time to start a family and how did you evaluate the risks involved? When do you take the leap, and become a parent?
My husband and I are still thinking about it. And, with any luck, we’ll make our own happy, stable, and wonderful family… some day.
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Starting a family and inflation
My husband and I lost our son to SIDS when he was 6 months old. We have thought about having another child, but I could not leave a child with a sitter again, and go off to work.
Before my son died I felt robed. All my life I'd planed to be a working mother, but when I found myself in that position, it really sucked.
How many of us really have the option of staying home with our children now days though?
There's some interesting material on inflation on the web. I really think more people need to take a look at this, to understand why it's so hard to support a family now days.
http://digg.com/videos/educational/The_Money_Masters
http://digg.com/videos/music/How_our_financial_system_really_works
If the web versions are too hard to watch, you can order the videos from moneymasters.com
I'm wondering too
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts... like Katie, I'm a 28 year old who's wondering if there's such a thing as a right time. I've concluded that I'm just going to drive myself crazy if I try to answer that, so instead I have another question that I would love an answer to:
What kinds of choices can I make right now so when the time comes, right/wrong, planned/unplanned, I can make decisions without compromising the major priorities?
Example: I'm from Seattle but I'm living in New England. Knowing that I eventually plan to move back to the west coast and that that will become especially important when I start a family, is moving sooner rather than later a good idea? Or should I take the good career opportunities right now while I can and just cross that bridge when it comes up?
I guess I feel I can have it
I guess I feel I can have it all, just not all at the same time. I know I can have my career at any time, but I cannot have kids any time I want them. I feel that because women live longer than men, I am due at least to live until 85+ years so I plan on going to law school when my kids are in high school. That way I can enjoy them now, but will still be able to obtain my own career goals.
If you were told you had cancer and were to die, what would be on your "to do now" list? My husband's cancer helped focus us on our list.
Unplanned pregnancies
Like half of the moms in the United States, I didn't choose to have my children when I did. When I was deliberating becoming a parent right before the decision was thrust upon me, someone told me "There is never a perfect time to have a child."
What's a "parent?"
As someone who had my son at totally the "wrong" time (unexpected, young, broke, uneducated, unhealthy), I believe we often instinctively know when the right time is, whether or not logic supports it. Somehow, I knew it was the right time, and somehow things have turned out alright for us (so far!). For each person and each couple, I imagine that timing is unique, and I couldn't even begin to balance all the factors. But I do know that we are in short supply of wonderful, caring, compassionate people who build families to make them strong and healthy. So Katie, when you're ready, we're ready for you... and in the meantime, keep mothering this movement, and following your passion and your dreams, 'cause girl, you're right on!
Monica
It always seems to come back to Oprah
I hate to refer to Oprah, but I flipped on her show last night & the entire episode was devoted to infertility. One in 8 couples is affected by infertility - so how am I to know if my husband and I will be one of those couples? There was a 34 year old woman on the show who had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years with no luck. I'm 30, so my immediate thought was that I should try to get pregnant NOW! Screw my career, finances, etc. - what if I decide to wait until the timing is perfect (emotionally, career wise, financially) and I only then realize it's too late & that my ovaries aren't working like they were when I was 25? If I could, my husband and I would wait until we're 45 before we even have to think about the timing of children. I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that I'm still fertile when the timing IS right.
Dilemmas despite family-friendly policies
I am a career woman, in the same age range as the rest of you (I think), but nowhere close to being a mom. So I don't feel like I can comment on personal decisions around timing, etc. However, I can talk about my observations of friends who are mothers both here in the US and abroad, in places where there are family-friendly policies. Yes, of course my overseas friends would not have given up the extended maternity leave for anything and they did not have to worry about basic healthcare for themselves or their families. BUT I did notice them struggling with many of the same issues Katie wrote about: career stops and starts, financial security, resume building... It seems like women cannot avoid these dilemmas in our half-changed world (see "Flux" by Peggy Orenstein). It is important that groups like Moms Rising highlight the collective and,yes, political nature of these dilemmas so that women around the globe do not feel that they are struggling with these decisions alone!
Tali
There are no good times to
There are no good times to slam the breaks on your professional life. I had it pretty good: I had my first kid right after I graduated with my BA, my second right after I graduated with my MA, and I just finished my PhD in May.
It was the right time for me and the right time for my husband. I can't imagine, now that I've started working, taking time off for maternity leave.
What I learned from having kids in grad school (when effectively no one else did) was that I put everything into perspective much differently than my peers. One research group was plenty for me, while they were involved in three or four. I left campus by 5pm, regardless, while they were often there until midnight. However, I brought perspective to everything we researched (which was mostly children and families) in a way they couldn't. I used the time I had on campus working about 1000 times faster than they did. I graduated before any of my cohorts, and before many of those who came before me.
Nevertheless, they would probably have been offered partner, while I would have been asked to find someplace less rigorous to practice.
As a mom, you get really, really good at moving faster than everyone else. It's just hard to notice, because small ones take you on so many detours, you're still falling behind. But the detours are what make life interesting.
so true
this "As a mom, you get really, really good at moving faster than everyone else. It's just hard to notice, because small ones take you on so many detours, you're still falling behind. But the detours are what make life interesting."
is such a good point.
It's true- there's no perfect time to have a baby. I was in the nonprofit sector, too, and just made a break for it. D and I considered that it was a relatively good time, since I had my good health and he had a stable income. Do I miss having an income? You bet! Do I wonder what my career path is going to look like? So much so that I actually went for career counseling while pregnant to make a long term (5, 10, and 20 year) plan.
But I don't regret it. Pregnancy and parenting have actually opened doors for me that I never could have anticipated. And I've found that I'm much stronger than I thought.
It takes creativity to make it work. And MomsRising. :) Great post- thanks.
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