Mr. Mom and Mrs…Mom

by Brenda van Gelder

As the full-time working mom of three girls ages 1, 3, and 18 years old, I have lately found myself pondering my role as family wage earner vs. the primary caregiver. My husband has been the stay-at-home parent for the past 3 years, and it's been a bit of an adjustment for both of us. Our roles are not as clearly spelled out as they were when I stayed at home and he worked. For example, as the stay-at-home parent, should my husband consciously attempt to perform what has been the traditional "mother" role to our children? And should I, as the main wage earner, adapt myself to behave in accordance with the way fathers in traditional families typically behave with regard to the children? i.e., my husband concentrate on being the primary nurturer, attachment figure and I become the disciplinarian and the one who initiates physical play (after I have finished reading the newspaper when I get home from work, of course).
The roles described above are intentionally exaggerated; the point being, if we do not sort-of artificially adopt such traditional duties, is there a danger that one or more of those functions will be omitted? Currently, my husband and I seem to employ a blend of the two roles between us both.

He does most of the housework, but we share the cooking and dish duties.
Our toddler currently asks for him when she is distressed or hurt, the baby wants me. Of the two of us, I am probably more of a disciplinarian, but my husband is stricter when it comes to manners and making good food choices. My ponderings led me to my source of choice, the Internet. My online wanderings led me to an interesting study (http://www.slowlane.com/research/FAMJOU.html). "Primary caregiving father
families: do they differ in division of childcare and housework?" by researchers at Loyola and DePaul Universities. The conclusions of the study bear out what I've said about my family: most families combine gender roles rather than simply reversing the traditional mother-father roles. On the housework portion of this study, it was found that both genders performed in accordance with gender roles of traditional families. “This consistent pattern shows that the gender stereotypic categories of "men's work" and "women's work" are so deeply embedded in the culture as to be discernible even within the non-traditional primary caregiving father family.”

This last finding does not hold true for my family. My husband does more laundry, cooking, and housecleaning than I do (those are all things the study defined as "feminine tasks"). He also does more of the outside maintenance than I do (defined as "masculine tasks"). Hmmmm, it's starting look as if I don't do my share around the house. I better quit while I'm ahead.